In the Bible, children are commanded to honor their father and mother; finding ways to do this can be more challenging as parents age. When a loved one ages, they get illnesses that can make it more difficult not just to honor them but to be around them. Sometimes, an individual who doesn’t even have an illness can become very angry, demanding, and unpleasant to be with. So, how can you honor someone who does not seem to want you around?
Why would a parent who had always loved their children now push them away by saying or doing things that make a child not want to be around them? As a senior advocate, I see this scenario far too often, which is tragic for both the child and the parent. In most situations, I see two reasons for this behavior from a parent.
1. The parent has an illness/disease like dementia, but it could be one of many other health conditions. When someone gets dementia, it can progress to a point where they don’t recognize their children. They are not able to process the fact that you are their child and may think that you have some alternative motive for trying to get close to them.
2. Growing older is not an easy journey. Your parents taught you much of what you know and shaped you into who you are today. Parents are a child’s go-to person; they are the ones a child goes to when they are hurt or when they need guidance. Now, this individual has aged. They may be unable to continue to guide their child, or even worse, the child has grown up and has a family of their own and doesn’t feel the need or want their parents' advice/help. This once vibrant person’s opinion is no longer needed or welcomed in their children's lives. They don’t visit as often, sometimes not at all, which means the senior has little to no access to their grandchildren. How do you think that would make you feel? Seniors may become bitter or angry with the people they love the most, their children, because they believe they have been removed from their lives.
How can children show their parents that they love and respect them in either of these two situations? Most importantly, visit them as often as possible and bring your family. Show them that they are an essential part of your life. If your parent has cognitive issues, still involve them in your life and the lives of your family. Even if the person has cognitive issues, you can still ask their opinion; it doesn't mean you have to do everything they suggest.
Seniors can reach the point where they feel that they are not valued and have no purpose in life. If their family is not involved in their lives, this validates those feelings. When a person feels that no one values them, they can lose hope. Regardless of age, People who lose hope are in a dangerous situation.
A child who does not live close to their parents can still prioritize picking up the phone and calling them regularly. They can share their struggles and successes and their families with their parents and ask for their opinions on how they should move forward. Parents may not have all the answers, but they can listen and be a good person to brainstorm ideas with. Think about it this way: your parents have lived a long time and have experienced and seen many things in their lifetime. If you take the time to learn from your parents, then you may save yourself from making the same mistakes they did, giving you more time to explore new opportunities! Yes, your parent may have slowed down and may take longer to process information, but they are still your parents and can be a valuable resource if you allow them to have an active role in your life.
Most parents do not want more stuff from their children; they want more time with them. I found one gift I got for my mom several years ago that has transformed her life. I got her a digital picture frame. This way, when there are family events or milestones with her grandchildren/great-grandchildren, we can take a picture and immediately send it to her digital picture frame. This allows her to experience these events in real-time even though she cannot physically attend. My mom often tells me how much she loves her digital picture frame. These can be purchased at many stores or online.
Note: Some situations can make it challenging to be with a parent due to history. In cases like this, sometimes the best thing you can do is ensure that other people in their community can step in and visit/advocate for the best possible outcome for the parent.
Cheryl J. Wilson, M.S.
Advocacy 4 Seniors
Opmerkingen